To be Uncertain and Curious

A Brain rot and info dump

I have been in a state of consuming and creating.

Working on my novel almost daily amongst others. I have been most excited about that, despite my not making time for self-reflection and stillness.

I have been in a state of constant motion, where the buzz in my head sounds like incomplete quotes that make sense just enough to get me through the day.

It has me in a weird state of numbness hopefulness and that of doing.

It is random;

Thinking that we are made for so much more than our minds can conceive that while we struggle to put food on our tables and live the life the society wants us to, we steal pockets of time to create something for ourselves something that means something otherworldly to us.

I have found that a lot of things we hold dear are supposed to work as tools or facilitators to help us stay more aligned to the god image in us and it’s kinda sad that our attachment to certain things leaves us clinging to the corpse of what we once were, a community that can no longer keep us safe, a mindset that no longer serves us.

There’s also a thing to be said about dying to self, reasonable pain, and some sort of despair that comes with the metamorphosis of being. Varying books and people from those with a sense of spirituality to the wellness and motivational speakers, even Uncle Iroh talk about it.

I listened to a podcast lately and she mentioned a lot that stuck with me, about how at our low points in our lives when we feel stuck we are more open to teachers, whether it be teaching experiences, content that aligns with this phase of being, people that are on similar paths with us, communities that shift our perspectives and so on.

While I don’t necessarily believe that every suffering is some teaching experience or strength training especially seeing that a lot of horrible experiences people go through are usually man-made and (in my opinion) opposed to what nature has planned out for us, Sometimes it’s like working out and strength training where we have to train to failure a couple of times before building the capacity to handle whatever it is we carry in us or are meant to manifest.

I think that being lost and uncertain is very different from suffering although it comes with its discomfort and for years (long fucking years). I have beat myself up mentally for not knowing enough, for not having enough clarity and all of that. But lately, I’ve been reminded, that being uncertain is a beautiful state of being, it is natural, it is normal and should be embraced a whole lot more. A number of us in our 20s talk about being in this state with so much anxiety and it makes sense to be worried cause we have been socialised to think everyone always had it figured out and that lack of knowledge is something to be ashamed of.

But if we know so much and figure it all out what happens to the awe of being? Of experiencing what the universe is telling us? Of the act of seeking?

When we acknowledge that we are lost or in a state of not knowing all we would like to know, that is when we get more curious because we are seeking answers, and our minds start to work similarly to algorithms (technically algorithms copied our the way our mind works with pattern recognition and alladat to bring us things like the for you page and ads that are similar to what we speak about) we start noticing content, people, activities events places experiences that are inline with our questions, that scratch an itch in our brain.

I think because this state is relatively vulnerable, it is quite easy to be manipulated or taken advantage of or even get Mis-answers. And honestly, I don’t have a three-step guide on how to figure that out other than sometimes fuck around and find out tbh.

And isn’t that what we do in life anyway? Even when we follow through with plans society has laid out for us because of the security they bring, we are still fucking around and finding out cause everyone has unique experiences within similar situations and there’s no one way of completely ‘knowing’ and sometimes our certainties come from how aligned doing something feels to us, hence its comes with ‘doing’ with trial and error, with curiosity messy baby steps and heavy audacity.

Anyway, I have spoken plenty, so I shall ramble more in another post.

Stay Curious,

Janoma.

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Authors Note:

My country people, it’s a good day to eat your cake and take the bakery too! Anyway, with the way I’ve been writing these days, Hamilton would be jealous hehe. Also, life’s been just there, I’ve been so blessed to find good content, sweet music, nice podcasts alladat. I was listening to the Soul Salon podcast with

ayandastood

and it’s been a whole experience!

Song of the Week:

I wrote a scene in my novel and not too long after, The Exit by Conan Gray came on and I have been screaming to my friends about how the song is the embodiment of that part of the story. It’s insane how we’re all so connected through various art forms.

Let me know how your week/month has been!