“Father,” I said during confession again. “Is this really wrong? We haven’t done much and she’s so sweet. She always brings back those small tea cakes I like after the day’s session for me. And we pray together, she reminds me to say the rosary even when I get tired. I mean I don’t see why we can’t be friends, she’s probably straight you know-”
“Don’t you ever learn?” He snapped. “Do you understand the gravity of such a sin you’re teasing? You want to eat your cake and have it! You think you can trick God with your wordplay and small mischief. Are you beginning to listen to those people on the internet who do not want to be saved? What gives you the impression that these feelings you harbour are natural? What makes you think they follow the natural order of things? Don’t you remember Sodom and Gomorrah?”
“But surely God didn’t destroy them because of homosexuality, didn’t they rape and murder and commit all sorts of vile things against humanity-”
“Same-sex relationship is a crime against humanity! Do you not understand? How are you even trying to make excuses for your behaviour? The devil is using you and you are letting him do so! You should be reflecting on your sins and here you are trying to justify yourself?”
“But-”
“Enough! I have given you my advice and done my part as a priest and your spiritual director but you are hell-bent on following the wrong path. I can only pray that you are released from the chains of your sins before it is too late.”
That evening was time for sports and games. I had gone through four rounds of chess and beat them all, it was safe to say my ego was a bit inflated. Christiana was immersed in table tennis; she didn’t win any of them but still came grinning at me about how fun it was. It was weird how one could find losing so fun though.
“Time for tug of war guys!” Ebube announced while some people brought in a massive rope.
“Erebi, come on, let’s join in,” Christiana said, tugging me along with her.
It was a tough one. I am not a physically active person, and joining a group of people pulling a huge rope was definitely not going to end well. We were about to win, at least that’s what I thought before I found myself lying on top of Christiana sprawled across the grass, laughing at ourselves.
Our faces were so close we could kiss. There was a bunch of people scattered across the field. Priests were not far away either, but at that moment our gazes met, taking my breath away. Her honey orbs held mine for what seemed like more than a minute and in that instance, it was just us.
“That…um…that was…fun” she laughed nervously, snapping me back to reality.
Could this be real?
We were at bible study, but the words seemed distant, a loud echo sounded amidst the chaos in my mind. Why was this wrong? I wasn’t hurting anyone with my emotions.
The Ten Commandments written in the Old Testament hurt people when broken. I could understand that. Do not steal your neighbour’s goods; it’ll hurt them to lose something without permission, especially when it was earned. Honour your parents, obviously, they birthed me, one should respect them. Do not commit adultery; you’ve broken trust when you cheat on your partner especially when the couple is exclusive. I could understand that. But what was so wrong with loving someone? It’s not as if I chose this for myself. Did God make a mistake with me? If God doesn’t make mistakes with his creations then why do his people consider me one? Why were my emotions considered abnormal, against the laws of nature? As if I woke up one day and ‘decided’ to be this way? Why was something transcending physical intimacy reduced to an ‘immoral act’? Why is it grouped in the same class as rape and child molestation?
The rest of the activities passed by in a haze. From the confusion in my mind, a slow flame of anger rose in my chest, but I wasn’t sure who I was angry at. The church? The priest for being so brash? Christiana, for swooping in with yellow skin and a beautiful laugh? At God for making me this way? At myself for not being strong enough to resist this temptation?
Author Note:
I have been getting a lot of comments on the cover art of Coming Out so I’d like to give a shout-out to my friend Faith for the awesome cover art. She’s so talented y’all should check her out on Instagram here. If you’ve not read parts one and two yet read them here
Song of the week:
Anyway, I’ve been watching jujutsu kaisen and I have become a menace to my brother who recommended it to me lol. Because of my love for Gojo and Geto the song of the week is Mr. Loverman By Ricky Montgomery.
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The frustration with everything and everyone is very much relatable
Oh the internal struggle😭. Amazing work Janoma👏